


i'd sell all of my friends for a hot fudge sundae

by Smokey310



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: College AU, Crack, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, ace!Ennoshita
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-07-13 20:57:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7136810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smokey310/pseuds/Smokey310
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This will just be a F.R.I.E.N.D.S-like episodic fic about the Miyagi 2nd Gen captains hanging out in their college days.</p><p>I'm serious. Nothing much happens. They just sit together on a couch inside a garage and are mean to each other. It's basically a chat-fic, except they're all physically there. Because, you know... there will be a small amount of smut. Maybe. Also, this makes zero sense canon-wise.</p><p>Okay, you got me - this is basically just 'Stupid Boys Talking and Maybe Some Smut - Reloaded'<br/>sue me i never said i was creative</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The one with the shocked faces

**Author's Note:**

> look, i can tell you exactly whose fault this is, but if you actively searched for fics about the 2nd gen captains, then you probably already know.
> 
> if not, you should really go take a look at [starlity's](starlity.tumblr.com) wonderful art!
> 
> also, thanks to [pigeon-religeon](http://pigeon-religeon.tumblr.com/) for proof-reading!! <3

Yahaba stood in front of the closed garage door, trying to push the key into the lock with only one free hand - his other hand was currently balancing a stack of books on his hip, which would have been easier if he'd had more to his hips than just the damn bone. But after a bit of fumbling, which included letting the keys fall to the ground and doing a strange sort of aerobics to try and bend down without letting go of the books, he finally managed to turn the key in its lock - only to find that it had been open to begin with.

Suppressing a deep sigh, he opened the door to the sound of an explosion.

It was just the TV screen, playing some action flick. Yahaba noticed that the garage had another new addition in the form of a... well, he wasn't sure what it was supposed to be. The bull's eyes made it look like a ship, or at least the side-wall of a ship, covering the entire back half of the room. Why exactly one would build something that looked like a ship just crashed through their garage, Yahaba didn't know. He had stopped questioning the purpose of Futakuchi's inventions a long time ago.

In the middle of the room stood an old, worn-out sofa, which was facing the TV screen so that Yahaba could only see the back of Ennoshita's head. No one else seemed to be here, which was good, since Yahaba had intended to study. The sounds of Ennoshita's action flick weren't ideal, but he'd brought ear plugs, just to be safe.

"Good, it's just you," Yahaba said, closing the door with his foot.

Ennoshita turned around upon hearing his voice, and sent him one of the signature lazy Ennoshita smiles.

"Oh, hello Yahaba," he said, giving a short wave with his hand.

"Hello Yahaba!" another voice echoed, and one second later, Terushima's head appeared above the backrest of the sofa, broad grin in place, like it always was. For some reason, his head seemed to have rested in Ennoshita's lap, at least that's what the angle had looked like. Except, that was impossible, so Yahaba decided to ignore it.

"What the fuck!" Yahaba greeted back. He really didn't need _this_ guy running about when he just wanted a quiet place to study. Terushima didn't even have a key to this place - no one knew how he kept getting in. Futakuchi called him their pet, but Yahaba thought he wasn't really a pet as much as he was an unwelcome pest, like a rat, or a cockroach. "Why the hell did you let him in?" he asked Ennoshita, who seemed to already be engrossed by his film again.

"Hm?" Ennoshita said. "Oh, him? I don't know. Hadn't even noticed he was here."

"Hey! What do you _mean_ you haven't noticed?" Terushima cried, giving Ennoshita a betrayed look. "I was giving you a blowjob for the last five minutes!"

The carefully balanced stack of books finally tumbled down on the floor, accompanied by Yahaba's jaw.

There was... no way.

No.

Nope.

Except, it really had looked like Terushima's head was close to... unspeakable places. And if Yahaba had to name one person who probably wouldn't notice he was being blown, it was Ennoshita. And YET!

A sudden burst of laughter from behind the ship wall startled Yahaba out of his paralysis. Now that he was really looking, both Ennoshita and Terushima had mischievous twinkles in their eyes and obviously fought a grin. Yahaba found he couldn't even be angry at them - the relief was too overpowering.

"Did you get that?" Ennoshita suddenly yelled.

The laugh from behind the ship wall continued. "This is pure gold, I'm telling you!"

Yahaba made sure to glare towards one of the bulls eyes where he thought he saw some movement. He was right - the part of the wall he had stared at suddenly opened up, revealing Futakuchi, who was decorated with a huge grin and a camera.

"Do I want to know?" asked Yahaba.

"Oh, don't worry," Ennoshita said - the mischievous twinkle in his eyes had already vanished, and he greedily reached for the camera. “Terushima wasn't actually blowing me,” he added like an afterthought.

Yahaba just rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I got that.”

Great, so there were three people here, two of which liked to make a sport out of being huge distractions. Yahaba might as well chuck his books out of the window.

“They did it to me, too!” a fourth voice yelled from inside the weird construction behind the TV-screen. For fuck's sake. Was _everyone_ here?

“Yes, but McStickuptheass over there wasn't even surprised,” Terushima said sourly, throwing a chip through one of the bulls eyes. It probably didn't hit Shirabu, because his voice was coming from way over to the right.

“Why would I be surprised? Everyone already knows you're a cocksucker.”

“Well, I'm not the component you were supposed to be shocked about,” explained Terushima. “What about Goody-Two-Shoes Ennoshita?”

“If anything I'd be happy for him – it's high time he got some anyway,” Shirabu's voice sounded, and Yahaba couldn't help a snort.

“Oh man!” said Terushima. “You are _not_ one to talk!”

It appeared that Ennoshita wasn't bothered by this kind of talk about him, or he probably just didn't notice, because he and Futakuchi were too busy replaying the film Futakuchi had recorded on the camera. They must have stopped the video at a particularly funny scene. Futakuchi was almost crying.

“Oh my God... I can't believe... the sheer beauty of it. This is _amazing_!”

At least Ennoshita sounded actually sincere when he looked up at Yahaba to throw him another smile. “It's perfect. Thank you so much!”

“You're welcome for whatever,” Yahaba shrugged.

“Well, you see – I really needed a reference for real shock,” Ennoshita explained. “My actors are way too stiff sometimes. And it doesn't make for a great horror movie if you can't express real shock.”

Wait, since when was Ennoshita doing a horror movie? Yahaba certainly hoped that he wasn't changing his project ideas _again_.

“If you want your actors to be shocked, why don't you just make Futakuchi pull his pants down behind the camera?” Yahaba suggested.

Futakuchi didn't even bother to glare at him. How disappointing.

“I'd tell you to fuck off, but I'm still too busy admiring your face acrobatics here,” Futakuchi said. Yahaba had to admit that it was impressive how he even made his eyes tear up. “Your face here.. it's beautiful. I may have a new-found respect for you.”

Yahaba refrained from adding anything to this, since Futakuchi was clearly not in the right mind to have a conversation with. Instead, he let himself sink down on the sofa next to Terushima and gave a deep sigh. “So everyone's here, huh?” he said. “That means I won't be able to study in peace again.”

“Why not? I'm studying right now,” Shirabu commented from inside the ship.

“You could study even if the world was falling to pieces around you,” Yahaba groaned. It was an ability he was more than envious of.

“It's just a lack of interest in all of your affairs,” said Shirabu.

Terushima, who was already bored looking over Ennoshita's shoulders to admire the picture on the camera, turned back towards Yahaba. “Come on, you two!” he said, throwing an arm across Yahaba's shoulder. “Stop being such sticks-in-the-mud. We're all here, we should have some fun.”

Yahaba pinched Terushima's sleeve between two fingers and carefully removed the arm from his shoulders. “We're not a garage band,” he said.

“Don’t give him any weird ideas!” Shirabu once again commented from the wall. Yahaba started to get seriously annoyed by his disembodied voice snarking at them, and Terushima apparently shared the feeling.

“Well, I know what instrument you could play, Shirabu – you could whistle my flute!” Terushima yelled.

In lieu of an answer, the single chip Terushima had thrown before flew back out of the bull’s eye, hitting Terushima’s forehead with dead accuracy.

“You know what?” Futakuchi’s voice piped up – he was _still_ looking at Yahaba’s picture, utterly enamored by it. “I’m going to frame this and hang it over my bed.”

Okay, so this was getting creepy. No matter how stupid Yahaba looked on that picture, Futakuchi’s obsession with it was worrying. “You want to frame my face and wake up to it every morning because you hate me so much?” Yahaba asked skeptically.

Shirabu’s ghostly commentary sounded from inside the construction again. “The way you two are going, you really will wake up next to each other, pulling that face. We’re all just counting the days.”

Terushima threw an angry load of chips through the bull’s eye, even though he hadn’t been insulted this time. Yahaba understood fully well – didn’t Shirabu say he was here to study? If he was going to participate in the conversation, he could at least show his face. Still, Yahaba couldn’t let that comment sit with him.

“Please,” he said. “I’d sooner make out with our pet here than Futakuchi.”

“That can be arranged,” Terushima grinned.

“I said ‘sooner’”, Yahaba clarified – he really should have thought that one through, because Terushima’s arm was already sneaking back over his shoulder. “It’d still take a zombie apocalypse for me to even consider it.”

“If you think that would be necessary for us to repopulate the planet, then I have some bad news for you buddy,” Terushima said with a barking laugh.

Yahaba put on a thoughtful face. “I would probably do the universe a favor if I didn’t help you repopulate the Earth with your spawn anyway.”

“So our affair would be born out of simple animal need and desperation?” Terushima asked. “I like it!”

Yahaba just winked at him.

“I think I’m gonna puke,” Futakuchi said. At least he had finally torn his eyes away from the camera. “Can’t you two go be disgusting somewhere else?”

“Maybe we should put up a rule sheet for the garage,” Ennoshita sighed. He had probably tried to continue watching the movie still playing on the screen, but the banter around him made it impossible. “Rule number one: No oversalting the conversations.”

“Some of us would implode,” Terushima said, throwing a pointed look towards the bull’s eye.

“Call the kettle black, idiot!” the bull’s eye answered.

“Oh, the wise bull’s eye has spoken,” Terushima cried out, throwing his arms up in celebration. “We have truly been blessed.”

“I’m afraid our sodium levels will all crash through the roof, no matter what rules you try to establish here,” Futakuchi sighed. “Seriously, you shouldn’t have given us our own keys to begin with.”

“You all helped me out with something or other, and this is pretty much the only thing I have to offer,” Ennoshita said. “Well, aside from my body, but you all wouldn’t take that.”

“Except for Terushima…” Yahaba mused, giving a shocked gasp shortly after. “Wait! Is this why he doesn’t have a key yet?”

“I simply don’t _need_ a key,” Terushima said. He was right – for some reason, he always managed to sneak in, even when none of them were here. No one knew how he did it.

“Also, you’re simply an unhelpful prick,” the magic bull’s eye explained helpfully.

“Then we have something in common, don’t we?” Terushima spat. “Come to think of it, what did you ever do to deserve a key?”

“I needed horses for a historical piece,” Ennoshita said. “Shiratorizawa was the only place I could think of.”

“What?” Terushima revolted. “They’re not even his horses! That shouldn’t be worth a key. I pretended to give you a blowjob – now _that_ -“

“It was your own idea, and no one could talk you out of it,” said Futakuchi, rolling his eyes. “Not that I’m not thankful for it,” he added, giving the camera in his lap a loving pat. Yahaba had half a mind to throw himself right over Terushima and Ennoshita, and snatch the camera from his grip. He settled for throwing a chip from Terushima's bowl.

“You will get your key in time, Terushima – but I can't just give it away unthinkingly. After this, I will have nothing more to give to make you help me out,” said Ennoshita. “And I need lots of help with my movies. Futakuchi, for example, already owns my soul.”

“And your firstborn,” Futakuchi added. “Don't forget your firstborn:”

“What for?” Yahaba wondered. “This crap you keep building? I don't remember a ship being in the script.”

“It's not a ship,” said Futakuchi, rolling his eyes.

Yahaba was surprised that he wasn't more annoyed about the disrespect towards his constructions. Maybe Yahaba could actually make use of Futakuchi's weird fetish for his grimace. “What then?” he asked. “The haircut police's prison?”

Futakuchi chuckled a little. “Yeah – I secretly stuffed all of Shiratorizawa in there.”

“Hate to remind you of your own setter,” Shirabu yelled from inside the not-ship.

No one reacted to him – it had apparently become an unspoken rule to ignore the garage ghost.

“It's something like study cabins, I guess,” Futakuchi explained. “Close the bulls eye from the inside and it's perfectly sound proof. I figured since exams are coming up for some of you, and you keep complaining about not being able to concentrate-”

“Get up!” Yahaba interrupted him.

“Huh? Why?”

“Just get the fuck up,” Yahaba repeated, standing up from the sofa himself.

This asshole built fucking _study cabins_!

“No way,” Futakuchi said, but Ennoshita had already pinched him in the side, and made him shoot up from the sofa.

Yahaba used the opportunity to pull him into a hug – maybe more like a squeeze, because it was Futakuchi, but still a hug, because... that asshole... built fucking _study cabins!_

They were only interrupted by Ennoshita's yell of, “Did you get that?”

“You don't really think I'd miss an opportunity like this, do you?” Shirabu answered, finally opening up the door to his study cabin. When Yahaba let go of Futakuchi and turned around, he saw Shirabu standing there, holding his phone in front of him, apparently still filming.

“I'm gonna fucking kill you,” Futakuchi screeched – Yahaba wasn't entirely sure who it was directed at, but he didn't feel particularly threatened.

“Now this,” Shirabu said, “is real shock.”

“Thanks, you guys,” Ennoshita said sincerely. “I can always count on you.”

“Notice how Terushima was once again the only one not to contribute,” said Shirabu, handing Ennoshita his phone to look at Futakuchi's shocked face. Yahaba only caught a quick glance, but he was already sure that it was better than his own shocked face. It was perfect. It was _beautiful_.

“This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen,” Yahaba whispered as Futakuchi weakly sunk back into the sofa.

“I need to frame it and hang it over my bed. I need a copy of it in my wallet. I need it tattooed to my forehead.”

“Yahaba,” groaned Futakuchi. “Please. Just shut the fuck up.”

“Okay,” said Yahaba. He didn't really need the last word anyway.

Because once again.

He won.


	2. The one with the nature documentary

Faint sniffling could be heard when Shirabu entered the garage on a Saturday morning. It took exactly two seconds for him to consider walking right out again.

Terushima was there – the blond shock of hair was unmistakable. It was just like him to cause some sort of drama when the day had barely even begun, making it impossible to concentrate. Shirabu didn't understand why they hadn't Terushima-proofed the garage a long time ago.

Ennoshita didn't seem to mind him hanging around so much, since he was sitting on the couch right next to Terushima, without any pepper spray aimed at him.

“Uhm... hello?“ Shirabu said, not sure if he wanted them to notice him at all. They were both staring at the TV screen, which was playing some sort of nature documentary. Surely that could not be the reason why both of them had tears in their eyes when they turned to him... right?

“Oh... hello, Shirabu,“ Ennoshita sobbed.

Seriously. What the fuck.

“What's wrong?“ Shirabu asked against his better judgment. He was pretty sure he didn't actually want to know.

“They ate the baby!“ Terushima explained, tears streaming down his face. “Fuck, man... those fuckers just ate it!“

All Shirabu could reply to that was, “Huh?“

“The killer whales!“ said Terushima, giving a small hiccup. “They ate the gray whale baby. The mother tried to protect it so hard, but then the baby got tired, you know? And the killer whales started to throw themselves on it, trying to drown it.“

Shirabu didn't even know why he was surprised. This definitely wasn't the weirdest thing he had ever walked in on. “Are you telling me you're crying because of some fucking nature documentary?”

“It's not funny!” Ennoshita chided. “She carried that baby for 13 months, Shirabu. 13 months! And now she has to continue on through the vast ocean. All alone.”

“And those asshole killer whales only ate the baby's tongue. Can you believe it?” Terushima wailed.

The only thing Shirabu couldn't believe here was that two adult men were crying over some stupid whale baby.

“Why are you watching a documentary in the first place?” he asked, since he couldn't really think of a reason for either one of them to watch this. Didn't they have better things to do with exams coming up and all that?

“Well, I was thinking of changing my project to a nature documentary,” Ennoshita explained.

Shirabu had a hard time not banging his head against the closest surface, because no. NO! Fucking _again_! Wasn't it supposed to be a horror movie like... yesterday?

“... but now I can't,” Ennoshita said grimly. “How would I be able to just stand idly by while a helpless baby gets eaten so cruelly? Documentarists are clearly soulless.”

“It's just the circle of life, isn't it?” Shirabu said, hoping to sneak past them towards the study cabins, which were amazingly still standing. He had no idea how much time he had until Futakuchi tore them down again to build something else. For some reason, Terushima's eyes were staring at him over the backrest of the couch.

“What is it, asshole?” Shirabu spat, when Terushima wouldn't stop staring. It was starting to creep him out.

“I need a hug!”

Fucking awesome. “Go hug a cactus!” Shirabu told him, but of course there was no way to escape an idea which had taken form in Terushima's pea brain. He was already jumping over the couch, only slightly hindered by the bag of books Shirabu threw at him.

“With how prickly you always are, I might as well hug you!” Terushima proclaimed, flashing a toothy grin.

Looking at those teeth, Shirabu's survival instinct immediately kicked in, and he took off, almost breaking his legs on some planks Futakuchi had left lying around. Terushima didn't hesitate for a second to chase him around the sofa. Why the hell couldn't Ennoshita just stretch out his leg and trip him? Whose side was he on anyway?

“Go away, I'm not touching you!” Shirabu yelled, just as Terushima had finally caught up to him and tackled him into the sofa. “YOU FUCKER!”

Seeing as they were almost kicking their legs in his face, Ennoshita finally opened his mouth to comment on the scene. Shirabu suddenly wished he didn't, because now it was clear which side Ennoshita had taken here. The _wrong_ side.

“Let him, Shirabu. He needs it. God knows he needs it.”

“Fuck you, Ennoshita,” Shirabu spat, pushing Terushima's face as far away as possible, and grimaced when one of his fingers accidentally slipped into a nostril. “This is not what I expected from you.”

Seriously – Ennoshita was for some reason famous for keeping all his hyperactive friends in check, but so far, Shirabu hadn't seen anything impressive enough to validate the rumor. How bad did those other people have to be if Ennoshita stayed so calm in the presence of Terushima and his antics?

“Come watch the documentary with us,” Ennoshita said. “You'll understand.”

Right. As if that would ever happen.

“Both of you can fuck right off,” Shirabu said.

Of course, that somehow led to him being sandwiched between Terushima and Ennoshita, watching a whole 8-episode documentary about the world's oceans.

After six hours of crying about beluga whales that were caught in a hole in the ice for an entire winter, laughing about hermit crabs fighting each other for a new shell, being amazed by surfing snails, and being creeped out by all kinds of bioluminescent deep sea creatures, Shirabu had to confess that he had never felt this many different emotions in such a short time span.

Maybe he really did understand why Terushima needed a hug after all of this. Still. He could have chosen _anyone_ else!

The credits were still rolling when the door behind them opened and they were greeted by Yahaba's surprised voice.

“Huh? What's going on here? Shirabu, didn't you come here to study?”

“I learned so much more today than I had intended to,” Shirabu told him. His voice sounded kind of rough, as if he'd been crying. Not that he had, of course. Not at all.

“Okay?” said Yahaba, letting go of a bunch of wooden planks. They tumbled to the floor to accompany the ones already lying there. Behind him, Futakuchi entered with some more planks.

“Oh,” Futakuchi said, once he caught sight of them. “Wow, I didn't think I'd find you three of all people, cuddling on the couch.”

Shirabu was suddenly aware of the arm Terushima had thrown around his shoulder, and he quickly shook it off. “Didn't think we'd find you two of all people arriving here together,” he shot back, hoping that the embarrassment wasn't written on his face too clearly.

“Why not?” said Yahaba. “We may hate each other's guts, but we're still friends. Right, honey?”

“Sure thing, babe,” Futakuchi said, shrugging.

Shirabu just rolled his eyes. “I don't think you understand what friendship is,” he said. “But I'm not sure on which end of the spectrum you're failing.”

“What are you carrying anyway?” Ennoshita cut in, giving the planks a suspicious look.

Right – if Futakuchi was coming here with more wood, he was probably about to tear down the study cabins – and Shirabu had just missed his last chance to use them because of some stupid animal documentary. Fuck!

“Oh, right,” said Futakuchi. “Yahaba wanted me to build a raft.”

“A raft?” Terushima immediately shot up from where he sat slumped down in the sofa. His eyes were dangerously glowing. “What are you gonna do with a raft?” he asked excitedly.

“Not what you think,” Yahaba said. “Whenever I go to the lake it's full of annoying people – you can't even lay down in peace without a whole children's volleyball team running you over.”

That really must be a huge problem if it made him ask Futakuchi for help. Shirabu had a better solution: Just don't go to the fucking lake. He didn’t understand why people would willingly go outside when the sun was having its private little barbeque party out there.

“So I thought I could just bring my raft and float out into the middle of the lake to sunbathe,” Yahaba explained, looking oddly smug. He probably thought he was some kind of genius.

Terushima didn't. “WRONG!” he yelled, jumping up and down on the sofa. “We're going wild river rafting!”

“Don't you kind of need a wild river for that?” asked Futakuchi.

Sound logic was of course not enough to keep Terushima from making stupid plans. “So? We can drive out into the mountains for a week,” he said. “We'll all be done with exams next month, right? We can do a little road trip, just the five of us!”

“Why the fuck would I go on a road trip with you?” Shirabu interrupted. He had better things to do with his summer, like not being molested by Terushima for a whole damn week.

Terushima promptly turned to him, still beaming. “You don't _have_ to do it out of your own free will,” he said.

“Wait...” Shirabu squinted at him suspiciously, but it was impossible to read that stupid smiley face. “Are you telling me I don't have to do it, or are you threatening to kidnap me?”

“Don't kidnap anybody, please,” said Ennoshita. “I can't go either. I promised to look after Nishinoya and Tanaka while their boyfriends are gone.”

Ennoshita's rejection seemed to hit Terushima a lot harder than Shirabu's – the smile immediately fell from his face to make room for a pout. “Aren't they the same age as us? What do they need a babysitter for?”

“You wouldn't want them to be left to their own devices,” promised Ennoshita. “Believe me.”

Terushima probably didn't believe him, but then Terushima was also a person who shouldn't be left to his own devices, and he didn't even realize it.

“Come on, you guys!” he whined, shaking Shirabu by the shoulder. “We can't just sit around here all summer long. We need to go on an adventure!”

Futakuchi was the first one to give an easy shrug. He was now sitting on the floor to sort his planks into some kind of order that didn't look like any order at all to Shirabu. “I could use an adventure,” he said, turning to look at Yahaba.

“Yeah, I don't mind,” Yahaba agreed.

They were all silent for a moment, maybe waiting for Ennoshita and Shirabu to change their minds, but Shirabu already knew that wouldn't happen, which left...

“Seriously?” he said, cocking an eyebrow. “Terushima, Futakuchi, and Yahaba... alone on a road trip?”

“It does sound dangerous...” said Ennoshita.

Actually, dangerous was still an understatement. Those three together weren't just a threat to themselves – they would at least open a small hell portal, Shirabu could feel it.

“You're right,” Yahaba laughed. “I'm probably gonna die.”

“I just want everyone to know that if Yahaba dies, it will be thanks to me!” Futakuchi announced from the floor.

Yahaba lightly kicked at him, his leg colliding with a plank that Futakuchi held up like a sword. “Fuck off – if I die, I'm taking you with me.”

“Look guys, can you please keep your suicide pact out of my road trip?” Terushima said – he was still jumping up and down on his knees, shaking the whole sofa in the process. Didn't this guy have a fucking off-switch?

“Why don't you join them, Terushima?” Shirabu sighed.

“As far as I'm concerned, a wild river rafting trip and a suicide pact aren't all that different,” said Yahaba – he finally gave up on battling Futakuchi's plank-sword with his foot, and strolled over to the sofa to sit on the backrest. All Shirabu could think about was that he was truly brave to plant his ass that close to Terushima's face.

“Have you thought about how you'll transport a whole wooden raft into the mountains?” Ennoshita asked, ever the practical one.

“Honestly,” said Futakuchi, trying hard not to sound like he was bragging, “I could probably just build it from scratch.”

“Show-off,” Yahaba fluted.

Ennoshita cut into their conversation before another fight could arise. “Well then – looks like Shirabu and I are gonna have a nice, uneventful summer together.”

He gave Shirabu a good-natured smile, but it still sounded wrong.

“I feel oddly insulted,” Shirabu said.

“Don’t be! I’m honestly looking forward to it.”

Shirabu never knew if he could trust that smile, but Ennoshita sounded honest enough, so he just shrugged and ducked under Terushima’s hands, which were trying to shake him again.

“Why are you two so boring?” Terushima whined. “You both need more action in your lives.”

“And you just happen to be the kind of action they need?” Futakuchi asked with a chuckle.

Terushima actually looked thoughtful for a moment. “For Ennoshita, yes,” he decided. “Shirabu, I think, needs the kind of action where he walks a tight rope across a never-ending abyss.”

“Wow,” said Shirabu – he was honestly surprised about that much malevolence coming from Terushima. “What the hell did I do now?”

“You don’t even have a good excuse for not wanting to join us on our road trip,” Terushima accused. “You’re spoiling all of my fun. I don’t like it when people spoil my fun.

“So you want them to die?” asked Shirabu.

“Terushima feels very strongly about his fun,” Yahaba explained, patting Terushima’s blond shock of hair.

“It’s not my fault all of you are emos who like suffering,” said Terushima.

Futakuchi looked up from his heap of planks to give a scandalized cry. “Excuse me? How do I fall in that category?”

“Yeah, I wonder,” said Yahaba. “You’re pure sunshine.”

“Yahaba! Do you want a raft or not?” Futakuchi warned.

“Shoot, I forgot that I need to be nice to you,” said Yahaba. “Sorry, sugarbutt.” He even went as far as to blow a kiss in Futakuchi’s direction – it was truly disgusting.

“’s alright,” Futakuchi said leniently. “You can blow me later, when all of these nerds are gone.”

Yahaba gave a shocked look. “Again?” he gasped.

“I honestly can’t tell if you’re joking or not,” said Shirabu – he was feeling sick just thinking about it.

“Oh they are,” Ennoshita laughed, but his laugh quickly died when no one reacted to it. "Uhm... I hope."

"Now, what makes you say that?" Yahaba asked sweetly. "Can't you see how cute we are together?"

He and Futakuchi started to bat their eyelashes like they had a telepathic connection, and Shirabu's stomach revolted even more. Not that it wasn't clear that those two would have to relieve a lot of tension soon, but Shirabu was kinda hoping for a big bang, somewhere far away where no one had to witness it. But this right here - Shirabu didn't know what this was supposed to be. Hopefully not flirting.

Please, God, don't let it be flirting.

"I can't believe I say this, but I like you better when you're at each other's throats," Ennoshita said - he must have read Shirabu's mind.

"Yeah," Shirabu added. "This is creepy."

Terushima was the only one who didn't realize the danger that was Futakuchi and Yahaba flirting. "Speak for yourselves!" he said. "I love the tension. Can't wait to live in a car with you guys for a whole week."

"He's gonna die," Ennoshita whispered to Shirabu, and Shirabu just nodded darkly.

"They're all gonna die," he said.

"Well..." Ennoshita leaned back against the sofa, the lazy smile back on his face, and suddenly, Shirabu didn't feel all that sick anymore. "At least this garage won't be so cramped anymore."

"Finally we'll be free," Shirabu agreed.

Seriously - if those three wanted to die so badly, Shirabu was not going to stop them. Ennoshita lifted a hand, and Shirabu didn't hesitate to give him a high-five. Ennoshita was the only one who deserved it anyway.

"Talk about people who shouldn't be allowed to team up..." Futakuchi mumbled from the floor.

Shirabu didn't know yet how right he would be.


	3. the one with the garden hose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe i'm finally updating something after like 2 months. can't wait for my inspiration to come back in autumn, summer just kills me each and every time...
> 
> so obviously i had it be the focus of this chapter!

The door was wide open when Ennoshita arrived at the garage. Someone was probably trying to get some air to circulate in there - the problem was just that there was no air out here to flow inside to begin with. Summer had hit them hard, making exam season an even bigger torture than it already was. Ennoshita's brain felt like a melted puddle of goo, sloshing around in his skull. 

Maybe that was why he stood in the door for a full minute, looking at the weird construction Futakuchi was hammering at on the garage floor. 

The puddle inside his skull kept sloshing.

“What... is this?” Ennoshita finally asked, circling the construction in order to get to the couch on the other side of Futakuchi's makeshift workshop. He soon realized that the couch was already occupied; Shirabu and Terushima were both pressing their cheeks tagainst the leather, hoping to cool off a little. 

Shirabu gave a choked sound when he heard Ennoshita speaking. “Thank you. I was afraid of asking. Thought my brain had just melted.”

Good, so Ennoshita was not the only one. He let himself sink down on the couch between the other two to imitate their position and stare at Futakuchi over the headrest.

Futakuchi, who had been caught in concentration, was distracted by their staring. Belatedly, he lifted his head to throw them a questioning look.

“What's not to get?” he asked. The planks in front of him continued to look like modern art. “This is obviously a roof!”

“I don't see it,” Terushima mumbled against the couch. “What do you need a roof for if it's not attached to anything?”

“Shut up, before my fist is attached to your face!” Futakuchi bellowed – way too aggressive for this heavy heat, so Ennoshita had to reprimand him with a displeased moan. 

Shirabu, whose brain really must have melted, decided to bring up the energy to form words with which to defend Terushima. 

“He asked a valid question, actually.”

That amount of unexpected fraternity sufficed to soften Futakuchi's loud aggression to a disgruntled mumble.

“Fine – it will be attached to Terushima's car. I'll need to make some modifications on it.”

“On my car?” asked Terushima, suddenly awoken from his haze. “And you're building this before asking me?”

Futakuchi looked like his internal pissed-off-o-meter was experiencing some turbulence as he looked between the people peeking at him from behind the couch. “It's for our roadtrip!” he said, waving his hammer. “You should be happy that I'm doing anything at all, especially in this heat!”

“Yeah, okay, it's just that my car already has a roof, you know?” said Terushima, who was entirely unbothered by Futakuchi's tone and hammer-waving. Meanwhile, Ennoshita's eyes followed the circulating hammer with great worry, until it was finally set down on the floor in exchange for a screwdriver.

“This roof-” Futakuchi began, forcefully screwing in a screw, “- will be able to fold out from your regular car roof, so that we have a shadowy place to sit without boiling inside the car!”

“Oooooh,” said Ennoshita, trying to placate him. “That's a great idea.”

Shirabu didn't seem to agree, if the look on his face was anything to go by. For some reason, part of his brain must have reformed itself, because he was suddenly able to think a lot more clearly than everyone else in the garage. 

“Have you ever heard of a sunshade?”

Thankfully, Futakuchi had already exchanged the hammer for the screwdriver, because if it had been the hammer suddenly flying through the garage like that, it would have been dangerous. 

“God _damn_ it!” yelled Futakuchi, just as Yahaba entered the garage, skeptically watching the screwdriver collide with the study cabins in the background. Taking in the picture of Futakuchi cursing on the garage floor and the other three hanging over the back of the couch, he raised an eyebrow in greeting.

“What the hell is this?” he asked. One of his feet managed to kick the rest of the tools out of Futakuchi's reach without Futakuchi noticing. “Does none of you have to study for exams anymore?”

“All done,” Ennoshita lied. No one could force him to open another book in this heat. Besides, the written exams were just for show – it was all about his film in the end.

To Ennoshita's right, Terushima gave a snort. “I never even started,” he said. 

It was probably true. Ennoshita couldn't remember a single occasion where he had seen Terushima with a book. In fact, he never even found out what Terushima majored in. If Shirabu hadn't told him he'd seen Terushima in some of his classes, he'd be sure that Terushima didn't actually go to the university at all.

“Even while I'm looking at you guys, all I can see are equations,” said Shirabu. “Except for Terushima. He's just one big question mark.”

“Thank you,” Terushima said sincerely.

From the floor, where Futakuchi was currently stretching to reach his hammer again, came the remark that there were no written exams in woodworking. “I just have projects,” he said, grabbing for Yahaba's foot before he could kick away the hammer even further. 

“Well,” said Shirabu, “then I hope that your projects make more sense than this stupid roof.”

“This is supposed to be a roof?” Yahaba snorted – the question was followed by a little screech as Futakuchi pulled at his leg.

“Shut up! You have no right to make fun of me now, you came late to the party.”

“Excuse me? I have making fun of you _patented_ ,” Yahaba howled, still hopping around on one foot and trying to keep his balance. Futakuchi finally let go of the foot when Yahaba bowed down to snatch the hammer.

“Then I suggest you sue all of these assholes over there,” he said, gesturing towards the couch. 

“That's not fair,” Ennoshita accused, “I said it was a great idea!”

“In a very patronizing way,” said Futakuchi.

Ennoshita lazily shrugged his shoulders. “You can't prove that. Poor argument. Won't hold up in front of a jury.”

Futakuchi was luckily distracted by wrestling Yahaba for the hammer, so Ennoshita was saved from talking himself into a fight. Sometimes, with Futakuchi, that happened faster than you were able to blink. 

Shirabu wasn't so careful when it came to Futakuchi's anger management issues.

“Why don't you try building something useful, like a ceiling fan? I'm literally melting,” he moaned, fanning himself with his own hand. 

Futakuchi didn't react to him at all, since he was still chasing Yahaba for the hammer, but Terushima suddenly looked like he had a brilliant idea. 

“Want me to hose you?”

It was quiet for a moment, except for Yahaba coming to a sudden halt and Futakuchi colliding with him – Yahaba must have braced for it, though, because Futakuchi just bounced right off him.

“Is this...” Yahaba asked, pulling a grimace, “is this slang for something gross?”

Shirabu gave a loud screech, covering his ears with both hands while Terushima just rolled his eyes.

“Untwist your panties, guys. I literally just meant to spray you with _water_!”

“How?” asked Futakuchi, obviously skeptical. His only answer was a broad grin, then Terushima suddenly got up and disappeared inside the study cabin. 

The rest of them were just about to wonder what on earth he was looking for in there, when Terushima emerged with a hose slung around his shoulders.

“What the FUCK?” said Futakuchi.

Shirabu, who had stopped screaming, thankfully, looked at the hose in wonder. “Where did you even get that?”

“Magic,” said Terushima, shrugging.

Ennoshita decided to interrupt everyone before they started grilling Terushima for a real answer, so he pointed out that there was a tap behind the garage, in his uncle's garden. His uncle wasn't home anyway, so they wouldn't be disturbing anyone. “So yeah – if you want to...”

“Hell yes,” said Yahaba, already pushing Terushima outside. 

“Whatever,” Futakuchi agreed. “Soak me!”

Even Shirabu gave a defeated sigh and shuffled after them into the garden. “Fuck it, I'd rather be soaked with water than my own sweat.” He didn't look as excited as he sounded, though – not that he sounded excited to begin with. Ennoshita had to give him an encouraging pat on the back before Shirabu went to join Futakuchi and Yahaba between the flower beds while Terushima fiddled with the hose. 

“Ready?” asked Terushima, once there was actual water coming out of the hose. It was all the warning he gave before he created a spray with his thumb and aimed the hose at his friends. The off-key screaming only widened his grin. 

“I would kill you if this didn't feel so good!” Shirabu spat, crouching down in the flower bed and looking absolutely miserable. Yahaba and Futakuchi followed his movement so they wouldn't be directly hit by the water, letting it drizzle down on them instead. They all sat there, sniffling and shaking, but none of them made a move to escape. 

Ennoshita had his phone in his hands before he knew it.

“I didn't think I'd get the perfect material for a torture movie scene out of this,” he said, unable to keep the excitement out of his voice. 

Shirabu didn't appreciate it. “Ennoshita, stop recording!” he yapped, glowering at him through the drops collected in his eyelashes. It didn't make for a very serious threat, so Ennoshita kept the camera rolling. 

“It's your own fault,” said Terushima, immediately attracting the watery glare onto himself. “You guys wouldn't know how to have fun if you were trapped in a ball pit full of squishy, boob-formed balls!”

“I would like to protest, but you're absolutely right,” said Futakuchi with a shudder. The shudder seemed to catch on to the other two.

“I'm getting nightmares just thinking about it,” Shirabu agreed. 

Terushima clicked his tongue in dissent. “What is wrong with all of you?” he asked, sounding genuinely disappointed. “Don't just sit there! Get up, jump around, get naked!”

“Why don't you get naked first?” grumbled Yahaba – a mistake, as should have been obvious to him from the very beginning. 

Terushima suddenly recovered from his disappointment to show off that bright grin of his. “Honey, all you have to do is ask!” he said, before he shrugged out of his shirt with almost practiced ease, throwing it in Shirabu's face. 

Ennoshita sure was glad that he caught everything on camera, even though Shirabu's pterodactyl screech was not the main attraction. He noticed something he had never seen before: a complicated pattern of lightning bolts escaping from Terushima's shorts, traveling from his pelvic bone all the way up to his rib-cage. It was fascinating – the tattoo in itself as well as the fact that Terushima had never felt the need to show it off. Ennoshita slowly let the phone sink down to go and inspect the tattoo up close. 

“Hey – this is a really nice looking tattoo,” he said, crouching down. Futakuchi, who apparently shared his fascination, appeared next to him.

“Do you have any more?” Futakuchi asked, before he gave a soft gasp. “Wait, do you have more piercings, too?”

Terushima looked down to wink at them and said: “There's a way for you to find out, you know?”

From behind, Shirabu and Yahaba yelled, “Don't!” at the same time, but it just made Terushima cackle.

“Oh my, no need to get all jealous! I'll show you too, if you want.”

He was interrupted by a heavy shiver seizing his body. “Oh, holy shit!” he panted, looking down to where Ennoshita had just drawn his finger along the tattoo. 

It had scarred a little, so that the branches of lightning bolts stood out from Terushima's skin. Ennoshita wondered what it would look like without the ink, if you could still see it running along Terushima's body. In his head, he was already creating a character with this exact tattoo. 

“This is so cool!” he said again, drawing his thumb over the little bumps on the skin beneath his fingers. From above, Terushima gave a stuttering breath.

“Aah- yeah... uh. Thanks.”

“For God's sake, Ennoshita!” Shirabu's sharp voice suddenly cut the air. “Do you seriously not notice that you're giving him a boner?”

“Huh?” Ennoshita was brought back to reality, where he gained sudden awareness of how inappropriately he was crouching in front of his friend, touching him almost intimately. He pulled his hand back as if he were burnt. Futakuchi, next to him, gave an amused snort, but Ennoshita ignored him to send an apologetic look to Terushima, whose face was bright red. “Oh. _Oh!”_

“Haaaaaah, what?” Terushima said, a beat late. “Boner? Never had one.”

“Okay,” said Ennoshita, because he was a cruel person, sometimes. Then he lifted his hand back to the tattoo, drawing his finger along the whole length to the sound of a gargled noise from behind.

“Ennoshita, please!” Yahaba screeched. “No one wants to see this!”

“Yeah, get a room!” Futakuchi agreed. 

It only took a second for Terushima to wake up from his shock, which meant that it only took a second for Futakuchi to have a hose aimed at him, water splashing in his face. He swallowed a big amount of it with his outraged scream. 

“Sorry, babe – I'll show you later!” Terushima said, because Yahaba and Shirabu had already taken off, trampling through the flower beds to escape the spray Terushima was chasing them with. 

Ennoshita saw them off with a lazy smile. “I'm good,” he said, lifting the still running phone camera back up to capture the wild chase through the garden. They would owe him so much for destroying it. And he had it all on film. 

He would probably fail all of his written exams anyway. But at least his project was saved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ps: please take a look at this beautiful, vibrant [art](http://starlity.tumblr.com/post/149579688722/really-loving-the-summer-theme-from-id-sell-all) by starlity!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're not dreaming or anything, I'm actually updating this! :'D 
> 
> Shoutout to my wonderful beta [lalikaa](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalikaa/pseuds/Lalikaa) \- she's finally writing for the fandom and you should all go check out her wonderfully funny first-years-as-third-years [tsukkihina fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10080359/chapters/22465907)!!

A heavy thud alerted Futakuchi to someone plumping down next to him. 

Since he was busy extracting some nails from the study cabins and didn't need to be snapped out of his concentration, he didn't even turn to look at who was trying to be a pain in the ass this time. In the last half hour, there had been at least five different fights flaming up between Yahaba and Terushima because they didn't like each other's choices for road trip baggage, and Futakuchi had managed to stay out of every single one of them.

“You know...” said Ennoshita's voice – the last person Futakuchi had expected to be an annoyance right now, so he was too surprised to get angry. „I think tearing them down with a hammer would make for a much more symbolic gesture.“

Futakuchi just raised an eyebrow, waving his hammer in Ennoshita's face. “I _am_ using one,” he said, turning back to his work. “But since I've evolved further than an ape, I won't just ruin perfectly good wood for a feeling of satisfaction.”

Now that exam season was over, the study cabins were just eating up space in the garage, so Futakuchi had promised to tear them down before he left for his road-trip with Terushima and Yahaba. 

Ennoshita gave him a thumbs-down, but he was laughing, and Futakuchi already knew that he was just looking for an excuse not to help pack the car like he had promised. It was alright, though – still better than Shirabu, who was lounging on the couch with a book in his hand and didn't even pretend to be interested in helping.

The whole garage was drowning in boxes full of stuff. Yahaba, Futakuchi and Terushima all had very different opinions on what should be taken on a road-trip, and now they had to weed through everything in order to get the car to a level where it would actually fit three people. 

“You have to promise to build them up again next semester,” Yahaba called, just coming through the door. “That was the best idea you ever had.”

“Bullshit,” said Terushima, who came inside behind him. For the last twenty minutes he had been wearing an inflatable swim ring in the form of the Loch Ness Monster, and Futakuchi had the growing urge to stab it with a screwdriver. 

Terushima jumped over the back of the couch, almost landing on Shirabu's outstretched legs. “The best idea Futakuchi ever had was that random Trojan horse. I rode that thing through the whole town, it was awesome.”

“ _You_ stole my horse?” Futakuchi barked, almost throwing his hammer. But he couldn't really lose his cool here, because if that was enough to make him consider murder, then he didn't know how anyone would survive the next week. Instead, he turned back to pull at the nails with more force than necessary, and grumbled about the horse having been part of an important project.

“Shit,” was all Terushima had to say to that. “I forgot to lie about it.”

“The theater club had to make do with a stuffed donkey because of you!” Futakuchi said, turning to throw a bent nail, which he found to be a fitting, non-dangerous solution. Also, with any luck, the nail would stab that stupid Loch Ness Monster.

Terushima deflected the nail with a couch cushion, shrugging his shoulders. “That sounds like a huge improvement, so I'm not sorry.”

“I really liked that climbing wall outside the garage,” Ennoshita mused, taking another nail from Futakuchi's hand, which he had been ready to throw. “Made me feel adventurous.”

“Didn't you fall down and sprain your ankle?” Yahaba asked. 

They were all settling down around Futakuchi now, probably tired from packing the car – which they managed to make five times as stressful as it needed to be – and Futakuchi laid his hammer to his side, already knowing that he was going to throw it soon.

“Well yes...” Ennoshita shrugged. “But do you have any idea how nice people are to you when your foot is in a cast? Man, it was awesome!”

From the couch came a little grunt as Shirabu lowered his book, ready to throw in his own comment, and Futakuchi pushed the hammer a little further away – Shirabu always managed to make his blood boil with his unasked-for commentary. “I'm with Yahaba on this one,” he said, surprisingly not being an ass for once. “The soundproof cabins were definitely the best invention so far.” 

_So far_? Futakuchi hadn't missed the little addendum – honestly, he was more than flattered to get an actual compliment from Shirabu, but ' _so far_ ' insinuated that Shirabu was expecting Futakuchi to come up with even better inventions. It was cute how much trust he had in Futakuchi's abilities. 

Of course he had to ruin it one second later by pulling a grimace. “Don't look at me like you're suddenly in love, what the hell did I do now?”

“I just like how you're all praising my inventions”, Futakuchi said.

“Some of them are okay,” Terushima admitted, an evil glint already resting in his and the Loch Ness Monster's eyes. “The rest of them are roofs.”

The be-nice-to-Futakuchi moment was clearly over – it almost seemed like these guys _wanted_ to be pelted with hand tools. 

“Stop using 'roofs' as a synonym for bad inventions!” Futakuchi complained. “I'll have you know that roofs are inherently a very useful thing!”

“Yeah, it'd take a lot of stupidity to fuck up the concept of roofs,” Terushima said, smirking. 

Did he have a _death wish_? Or did he just forget that from this day on, he was going to spend a whole week sharing a small space with Futakuchi, unable to duck whatever was thrown at him?

Yahaba seemed to be thinking the same thing. “Man,” he said, “I can't wait to listen to this discussion for the rest of our road-trip.”

“I'm sure you and Futakuchi will be worse to tolerate,” Ennoshita mused, showing his surprising ability to always be on Terushima's side at the wrong time. 

“Excuse me?” Futakuchi poked Ennoshita's thigh with a screwdriver that had suddenly appeared in his hand. “Is everyone conspiring against me now? See if you ever get any study cabins again!”

“Never mind!” Yahaba and Ennoshita immediately shrieked. “We love you!”

“Doesn't sound very sincere to me,” Futakuchi said.

“Please, Futakuchi, you know I have no pride.” Yahaba walked over to plop down in front of him, shaking him by the shoulder. “I'm gonna end up sucking your dick and none of us will ever be able to look into the other's eyes again.”

Futakuchi made a thoughtful face at this, hoping to God that he'd had enough exercise in this kind of talk by now that he wasn't blushing too obviously. “True”, he said, shrugging. “Maybe wait until it's dark?”

“Okay, see?” came Shirabu's voice from the couch. “This is exactly the kind of thing I won't miss while you're gone.”

This finally made Yahaba turn to snark back, and Futakuchi was freed from fighting the blush trying to creep onto his face.

The thing was...

Yahaba was hot.

Not a 'stop the car in the middle of the road to stare at you' hot, not even a 'watch you across packed public transit even though you already caught me an uncomfortable amount of times' hot - more like a mousy hot, if something like that existed. 

It was something like... you wouldn't expect him to be sexy in any situation. He was more of a cute kind of guy. But then you were watching Ennoshita's pretentious French movies with all your friends, and it would be past midnight, and Yahaba would lean back against the couch and his head would loll to your side, and in the privacy of behind everyone's back, he'd roll his eyes just for you...

Okay, Futakuchi could see how this was not a good explanation of the word 'hot', but Yahaba's hotness could not be explained in a rational way. It was just too weird. Seriously - a guy like Yahaba had no business being hot, what the hell was Futakuchi even thinking about? Abort, abort!

Luckily, Terushima decided to direct everyone's attention to himself by loudly yelling: “Hey! Have you guys seen my duck?”

There were a few glances thrown at each other while everyone tried to make sure they were not the only one wondering what duck he was talking about.

“Are you real-life autocorrecting the word dick?” Shirabu asked. “Because that would make more sense out of your mouth.”

“No!” said Terushima, digging through the boxes with a look of panic in his eyes. “I mean my _duck_. It's my sleeping bag.” 

„It's not a sleeping bag, it's a duck _costume_ , and I refuse to spend a whole week stuck in a car with a guy who dresses up as a duck.“ Yahaba crossed his arms in defiance, and Futakuchi could already feel fight number six rearing its ugly beak.

„Yahaba! What did you do with it? It's my sleeping bag, I need it! Plus, it's cute.“

„It's creepy,“ Yahaba corrected. „I burned it.“

„No you didn't.“ Terushima already jumped over to the next box, dumping its contents onto the garage floor for a better overview. „I just saw it five minutes ago.“ 

He stopped in his tracks, suddenly pulling a huge piece of fabric from the bunch of stuff he was digging through. „And wow, you're such a hypocrite!“ he spat, waving the thing he was holding. „Hating on my duckbag but not on Futakuchi's weird mermaid tail!“

Futakuchi had just grasped what he was holding, and quickly shook his head. „What the hell? That's not mine!“

Everyone's eyes slowly wandered over to where Yahaba was trying to look inconspicuous and like he wasn't blushing a deep red. When Ennoshita cleared his throat, he finally snapped.

„Leave me alone, it's beautiful!“

„It's really not,“ Shirabu said dryly. 

Yahaba didn't get to defend his poor taste in sleeping bags any longer, because Terushima suddenly stuffed the mermaid tail over his head to choke him. There was a short scuffle before Yahaba stumbled over one of the boxes and fell to the floor, flapping like a fish with two ends.

“Where did you hide my duck?” Terushima demanded to know, still not letting go of the mermaid tail, and Futakuchi sincerely hoped that Yahaba wouldn't choke to death, even though it would have helped with his unfortunate crush if Yahaba were to be buried six feet under. No more private glances and accidental touches. No more offensive flirting to the point where it was impossible to tell how much of it was a joke. Futakuchi would finally be free.

“The roof!” Yahaba gasped. “I threw it on the roof!”

For a moment, the word 'roof' triggered a defensive response in Futakuchi, but he caught himself from throwing a wrench at Yahaba's half-dead form at the last minute. He had probably just meant the roof of the garage.

Ennoshita, who had already ran outside, confirmed it. “Yeah, I'm not sure how we'll get it down from there,” he called through the open door, turning to look at Futakuchi. “You should have left the climbing wall.”

“What, so those other assholes could sue me when they broke their limbs climbing it?”

Terushima finally left Yahaba on the floor to untangle himself from his sleeping bag. “I'm not leaving without my duck, so you guys better come up with a solution!” he yelled, running outside to stand next to Ennoshita and imitate his squinting. “Oh! It really is there! Yahaba, you asshole!”

“Maybe we could... I don't know. Stack?” Ennoshita prompted.

Shirabu, who had so far managed to stay out of any shenanigans, slowly lowered his book. “I will not be part of any Bremen town musicians scenario, just calling it beforehand.”

Any commentary from Shirabu was of course destined to be met with a reaction from Terushima – it was like ebb and flow, a beautiful back and forth of eternal snark.

“Do you want us to leave or not?” Terushima asked, his head poking into the garage. Shirabu immediately reconsidered.

“I will _maybe_ be a part of a Bremen town musicians scenario as long as I can be on top.”

“You can be any position you like, honey,” Terushima chirped, blowing a kiss in his direction.

“Please,” Shirabu said, turning to look at Yahaba and Futakuchi. “Find a canyon to push him into.”

“Why else do you think we're going on this road-trip?” Yahaba asked. He had only just managed to untangle himself from his sleeping bag, and looked breathless and murderous. Futakuchi had to admit – it turned him on a little. 

Scheming to snatch Terushima in the dead of night and throw his gagged and struggling form down a canyon was certainly not a bad fantasy. Then Futakuchi and Yahaba could have celebratory sex on the hood of Terushima's car, hopefully far away from any duck- or mermaid-shaped sleeping bags. 

Damn – he was doing it _again_! Sneaking a glance at Yahaba, he tried to figure out if he was also caught in any dangerous fantasies, but it seemed like Yahaba had his head together. 

“It's too quiet, isn't it?” Yahaba said, trying to catch a glimpse of what was going on outside, but neither Terushima nor Ennoshita could be seen in the doorway anymore.

Shirabu put his book down with a sigh. “We should really check on them.”

He was right. As soon as the three of them walked out the door, they could see Ennoshita swaying on Terushima's shoulders, trying to reach the roof. Did this guy not have any healthy cowardice, or at least a sense of self-preservation? It was like he _wanted_ to die.

“Ennoshita!” Futakuchi called. “Get down from there, it's dangerous!”

“I won't fall,” Ennoshita promised, even though he was still wildly swaying. 

“The dangerous part is sitting on Terushima,” said Shirabu. “Look at how he's groping you already.”

“Hey!” Terushima suddenly turned to glower at Shirabu, and Ennoshita just managed to grab the gutter before he lost his balance. “I have to hold his thighs if I don't want him to slip off!” he said, patting the thighs wrapped around his head. “Oh,” he added, looking surprised. “They're so firm.”

“Ennoshita!” Shirabu yelled.

“Relax, I almost have it.”

It really didn't look like he had anything, not with those spaghetti arms of his. He would never be able to pull himself up from where he was right now. 

“If he falls...” Futakuchi said, poking Yahaba in the side. “It'll all be all your fault.”

Yahaba didn't look too concerned about it. “I mean, I'd mourn his death, sure – but as long as the duck dies with him, it was worth the sacrifice.”

“Not cool, man!” Futakuchi said, but Ennoshita chose that very moment to put a foot on Terushima's shoulder and push himself off. Everyone collectively held their breaths when he jumped.

There wasn't much for him to hold on to, but somehow he managed to scramble onto the roof until he reached the yellow atrocity he was trying to save. 

“Got it!” he cheered, waving the duck in the air while Terushima put on a little victory dance.

“Alright! I could kiss you!”

“Think positive,” said Shirabu. “At least while you're stranded on the garage roof, Terushima can't reach you.”

Futakuchi quietly shook his head. He pitied Shirabu, because it looked like he had no idea what he was getting himself into. You couldn't just channel all of your salt into one person, you had to spread it evenly, otherwise you'd be caught in a never-ending loop of snark that becomes less and less serious as time progresses and eventually turns into a form of shameless flirting where no one knows how much of it is real.

Did Shirabu really want to develop an unfortunate crush on Terushima, of all people?

Then again, it might be different for those two. Terushima made no pretense of flirting with every living thing, so Shirabu had to be used to it by now.

Terushima gave a long, disappointed sigh. “You're right,” he said. “I can't kiss him when he's up there... but man. I really need another outlet for these feelings...”

Shirabu knew to run before Terushima had even finished his sentence, and Futakuchi found himself being the center of a wild goose chase as Terushima tried to catch Shirabu in his outstretched arms while making exaggerated kissing noises. 

Lucky for them, Ennoshita yelled at them before Futakuchi decided to trip them. "Excuse me! You know, as much as I enjoy your shenanigans..." He paused, pulling a grimace, "which isn't all that much, really..." He sent them all a stern look. "I'd really like some help to get down now, because this is kinda high."

Terushima was the first to move, running towards Ennoshita with open arms as if he'd just jump down from the roof and trust Terushima to catch him.

"I'll help you, don't worry!" Terushima said. "Just throw down my duck, then slowly lower yourself from the edge until I can reach you."

Shirabu also ran over with a worried expression, but Futakuchi wasn't given any time to offer help, because he suddenly found himself with an armful of duckbag. Apparently, he had been chosen as the safest option to hold on to the atrocity while both Ennoshita and Terushima were busy.

Of course, that was only because no one knew just how weak Futakuchi really was for Yahaba's puppy eyes.

"Futakuchi..." Yahaba immediately started, not wasting a single second. "Futakuchi, light of my life, eye of my... ball. Wait."

"Hush now, demon!" Futakuchi successfully managed to tear his eyes away from Yahaba's lips. "You're too bad at being nice to shake me."

Yahaba's fake expression suddenly fell from his face, revealing the obstinate look underneath. "I don't have to be nice to you," he said. "Because I know for a fact that you hate this thing just as much as me."

"Maybe," Futakuchi admitted. "But it's useful."

"What for?"

"Leverage!" Futakuchi said. "I still haven't decided whether or not I want to see you wear that mermaid tail."

Yahaba answered in the form of bubbling laughter, which was... shit. _Cute, cute, cute._ Futakuchi really didn't know why he had to be plagued with this stupid crush. They were just _friends_. Surely that was enough. He just had to make his stupid beating heart aware of that fact somehow, preferably before they got into Terushima's car and drove away to the mountains for a whole week.

Finally, Yahaba was done laughing, which gave Futakuchi's heart a second to breathe before it was hit with another load of cuteness.

"I just packed it as a joke, because I thought you'd find that _amusing_ , you little shit. See if I ever try to brighten your mood again."

"My mood doesn't need any brightening, it's perfectly waxed and polished."

"Liar," Yahaba snorted. "You're a ticking time bomb, and you know it. I would kinda like to _survive_ this next week."

"And you think I'll be the one you don't survive, when we have _that thing_ with us?" Futakuchi turned to point to Terushima just in time to see Ennoshita crash from the roof with a yelp as Terushima utterly failed to carry him by his lower legs. Maybe it was wrong to just turn back to give Yahaba a pointed look instead of going to see if Ennoshita hurt himself, but Futakuchi couldn't help it.

"Ugh," Yahaba groaned. "I apologize. You're right, he's definitely worse, and I have no idea why I ever agreed to come with you at all."

"It's because you like me," Futakuchi said, feeling suddenly brave.

"Oh no!" said Yahaba, that asshole. "Does that mean it's too late to start that hate-fueled affair I've been hoping for on our road-trip? Do I really have to do it with Terushima now?"

Futakuchi's stomach was a bottomless pit. His brain swallowed by a black hole. He didn't know what to say or do, he had to physically fight to turn his head away so he wouldn't jump Yahaba and yell at him.

There was a _limit_ to how far fake-flirting should go.

Thankfully, his gaze landed on a scene lively enough to shake him from his paralysis: Ennoshita was still lying on the ground, face contorted in pain while Terushima tried to do something to his leg - probably knead it, which didn't seem to help. Meanwhile, Shirabu was busy yelling at Terushima and pelting him with cobblestones he picked off the little walkway leading away from the garage. Which, also, wasn't helping.

"Babe..." Futakuchi said, voice grave, because whatever this conversation could have led to, it was gone. "Whatever happens on that road trip happens. But first..."

Yahaba finished his sentence, imitating his weariness with their friends' bullshit perfectly.

"We should really call an ambulance, yes."


End file.
